I have given myself permission to go into surgery kicking and screaming. I’m OK with not being calm and collected when I get rolled into surgery. It is natural to not want to deal with it.
But, what has got me scared today? I went for a bike ride and the exercise seem to make the neuropathy worse! Unfortunately, my 18km ride today will likely be my last ride on my road bike until after Taxol – unless something changes. In addition to making the neuropathy worse, my sense of disorientation is not ideal when riding that bike. I’m further off the ground than on my ‘bent and I feel like things move too fast. The bike itself is less stable – so more risk of falling. I shall miss it, but alas, it may be time to start looking into indoor exercise options!
On Monday, when my oncologist mentioned that if the neuropathy gets too bad, we stop the chemo and move up the surgery date – that scared me. I have things planned – I have plane tickets booked. I don’t want to have to change my plans … I want to continue to feel like I am in control of this process … so today I’m scared. Scared that my well laid plans will all need to be tossed to the side as I deal with this disease … ugh