What should I hope for?

By | June 14, 2014

While I await the biopsy and other test results, I find myself wondering – what should I be hoping for? If you are going to have breast cancer, the next question is, what kind of breast cancer? The problem is, I really don’t want to do a lot of reading about the different types of breast cancer right now. I only want to know about one type – the best type to have, whatever that is, so that I can hope that is what I have. But I don’t know enough about breast cancer to have any idea of what I should be hoping for.

One thing I keep hoping is that it doesn’t spread to my lymph nodes. I know that spread is bad – so I hope that it is localized. Of course, anytime I feel the slightest bit of anything on the outer edges of my breast I get concerned. Am I feeling it spread to my lymph nodes?

Nothing is confirmed until the biopsy results come back, but the various doctors I saw were pretty clear. I’ve had three different specialists say that ‘they would be surprised if it isn’t breast cancer’.

Tears stream from my eyes as I examine the text on the screen. My eyes are drawn to focus on the current medical conditions in the online patient portal. I see the words “breast cancer”. My thoughts that it might not be breast cancer are shattered. Seeing it in writing for the first time is like a wave hitting me in the face and knocking me off my feet. Reality is starting to set in.

Now I am asking myself, what should I be hoping for?

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